When Women’s Bible Study ends, the chairperson is given a
beautiful box full of letters from the women thanking the chair for her
contribution in leading the group. I
have come to realize that there is more meaning than one can even imagine for
giving such a gift. The past two weeks I
have spent time each day reading 6-10 letters, and they have lifted me up
through a very difficult time.
When a major ministry ends, it is like coming off a sugar
high and hitting the bottom. A certain
level of energy is required each week for ministry, and when it comes to an end
the body and mind crash. It is a much
needed rest, but kind of an odd feeling too because so many hours, months and
years have been spent planning.
There was another occurrence that happened right as I
wrapped up an amazing year of seeing God at work at Bible Study, and that was
the deaths of two friends from breast cancer, and my beloved companion, Buddy,
my dog. My two friends had fought a good
fight the past four years, and seeing my one friend die leaving behind a young
daughter was very painful, and close to home. The death of my dog was also
painful and very sudden, and did not
make sense to me. It really gnawed at me
that Buddy would die somewhat young when he had always been the picture of good
health. He was my exercise partner, my
napping friend, and my sweet comforter. He
had clean teeth, was a healthy weight, and the most sensitive little guy you
would ever meet.
As I was searching for answers about Buddy, I was reading my
beautiful note cards, and it occurred to me that this past year had been an
incredible year of individual growth for each woman. The notes were each so personal and heartfelt
on the specific ways God had worked in each life. Then it occurred to me that I must completely
disgust and enrage Satan. Not that I
give myself credit for the year, but I allowed God to be displayed as I
struggled with health issues, which really helped the scripture we were
studying come to life.
As I started to think about the rage Satan must feel for me,
I realized that Buddy was the price I paid, and I became so grateful for the
prayers that covered my daughters and husband because when Satan was looking
for a way to dig a dagger into my heart, he was not allowed to touch them. Like out of the book, “The Screwtape Letters”,
I could hear Satan say, “How can we hurt Sandy Boulware in a way that will play
with her mind and send her into the depths of grief?” The reply was, “She has this little companion
that she loves on each day. We can give
her dog cancer, which will really play with her mind, and then make him have
the same symptoms as her like no appetite, losing weight, and lethargy.”
It was a cruel and senseless act meant to just shred my
heart into pieces, and it worked. The
grief of losing friends, and my best friend, totally grounded me for
weeks. I have cried so many tears that
God needs a very large bucket because a bottle will not hold them all. I can’t say I am through the grief completely,
but the clouds are starting to clear.
Here is what I know after enduring depression and grief the
past two weeks. God is still on the
throne. He knows my pain. He has work for me to do, and it is not
always easy. Working for Him is worth
it. I would not trade the past year of
GWBS. I love Jesus, and nothing can put
a damper on that love.
In my grief, I also learned something else about
myself. I have written on my Blog about
grief, depression, sadness…but I have only felt that kind of grief two times in
my life. When my parents divorced, and
when I was diagnosed with cancer and saw all my hopes and dreams fade away. As I pray (daily) for those who have had
profound loss in their life, I now know a little bit more about the horrible
pain that is felt each day when you wake up to reminders that someone you love
is not there anymore. Now, when I pray
for my cousin you lost his son to drugs, my friend who lost her little boy to a
sudden death, and another friend who lost her husband by an instant heart
attack, I feel more pain for them and the daily loss they must wake up with as
they look around a house that will only be filled with photo memories and no
more.
How did I fight depression and grief each day? I engulfed myself in music, which was
scripture pouring out into the empty places of my heart. I remembered that time on earth is just a
moment, and that the pain of this world is due to sin of this earth, and that
my purpose is to always be a light for the one who promises no more tears
someday. I also kept in close contact
with God. Even though I was hurting and
had some questions, I did not cut myself off from Him. At times He was silent as He let me work
through the pain and the stages of grief.
But, I know that He was never far away and that I could just rest at his
feet when I was exhausted from weeping for all the pain that was around me. I now realize that God does not want me to
shoulder the sorrow of the world around me.
Friends with cancer, children without a parent’s guidance and senseless
loss are not for me to carry. God is in
control and will make all senseless things right in His own way. It is not the timing I would want, or the way
I would choose, but my knowledge of the future is limited and ignorant. God will make a way in each valley for us to
see the mountain tops again.
Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all
you who hope in the Lord. Psalm 31:24
Blessings,
Sandy
