Saying Goodbye to Friends

Today will be a hard day. 

We lost a dear friend in our community on Mother's Day who battled long and hard with breast cancer.  Sheryl was full of life, and love and passion, and she leaves behind a 11 year old daughter and a wonderful husband, and pack of dogs.  She loved dogs.  Sheryl ate healthy and exercised, and had no family history of cancer, just like me.  We have our final goodbye today as we celebrate her life and try to comfort her family.  She is with our Lord, and her pain and suffering is thankfully over.  It is those who are left on earth that suffer as they face life without her. 

My family has another mountain of grief to climb today, and that is saying goodbye to our precious little dog Buddy.  We are still in shock over the quick decline of his health in the past two months.  He went from a healthy guy, going on 2 mile walks, to loosing weight and not eating.  They found a tumor on his kidney.  We have bribed him with all kinds of good food to eat, but he has lost his appetite and has been reduced to bones.  We have made the hard choice to put him to rest today before he suffers pain.

I really can't remember the last time I endured such pain in my heart.  Buddy was our lap dog, and tender heart, and faithful companion.  Buddy knew if you were sad and needed some TLC.  He would sit outside my door when I was sick in bed, knowing he was not supposed to be upstairs, but taking a chance just to let me know he was near. 

I've always suspected that Buddy is Michelle's favorite part of the family.  She would prefer that Buddy was with her wherever she goes.  If we went to a parade, she wanted Buddy to come.  We took him to the snow one time because Michelle begged us.  She always wants to buy things for him.  Toys, sweaters, costumes...It does not matter where we were on vacation, Michelle was thinking about what to bring back to Buddy.  For Buddy's part, he never complained when she was dressing him up in one of her treasures.  She has even painted his nails.

Our entire family has loved this creature that God brought to us as we searched rescue facilities and prayed for "the one" that would be ours.  Buddy was two when we got him in 2004.  The first thing Buddy did was sit with Jon and watch the Red Sox win the World Series.  Rachel has also loved Buddy deeply.  Buddy helped her get motivated to go on walks and exercise, and even gave her a good excuse to "walk dogs" with a good looking guy.

The time has gone to fast.  I thought we had a lot more time before we had to face this day.  He seems so young (11), but he is 77 years old.  To be honest, this is beyond my comprehension.  I can't seem to wrap my brain around it just yet.  I have been enjoying just being with him.  I have gotten a lot of reading done while I lay with him next to me.  With this new chemo regiment, I am down three days not feeling well, and Buddy has been there with me.

Goodbye our precious Buddy.  You were greatly loved by your family, and loved us back with a heart of gold.  When Jesus says he is preparing a place for us in heaven, I have to hope and dream that you will be there greeting us when we arrive.

A Godly Touch

Being a mother to Rachel and Michelle has been the greatest joy of my life.  I can't imagine my life without them, and I have been blessed to be able to stay home with them all these years.  Nothing brings about more excitement than watching them have success in their life through sports, school, etc...  I am so proud of both my girls for who they are, and who they have the potential to be.

Being a mother has also been the hardest job I have ever had.  As high as the highs can be, there are great lows when I have felt like a failure.  I have lost my temper when I should have held my tongue.  I have had sleepless nights wondering if I made the right decision, or if they are going to make the right decision.  We have to be mama bears, at times, because the world (Satan) is always trying to steal our children's souls and knock them down.  A mother's greatest fear is if she did enough to teach her children faith.  This all takes lots of prayer!

I have been blessed to have great role models around me, including my own mother.  I have lots of good memories with my mom, and I know that she struggled a lot with those same feeling I have as she mothered my brother and I.  The best thing my mother ever did for me was to encourage my walk with Christ when I was young, which gave me the foundation of faith that I have now.  My mom is still my biggest cheerleader, and gets the same joy out of watching me as an adult have success in walking with faith.

Over the years, I have accumulated great wealth through jewels.  Those jewels are my friends.  I have an amazing infrastructure of women who surround me with love and teach me every day how to be a better mother, friend, wife, and woman.  Their Godly touch has come in the form of holding my hand, a hug, a meal, a card of encouragement, a phone call, rides for my girls when I don't feel well, and prayer.  These friends of mine are crazy, funny, creative, and resourceful. 

I want to say thank you to all the women I know who have helped me grow, inspired me, and carried me to the cross when I was too weak to walk.  I would start listing names, but the list is too long.  I see God every day in the Godly touch of my friends and family.  A special thanks to my step-mother, Sandy, whom I love.

I am most thankful for my two girls, who also inspire me and challenge me, and give me great love.  My one desire for them is to know Jesus in an intimate way, and pass on their faith to the next generation.  Thank you mom for always lifting me up and keeping me strong in our promises from God. 

Happy Mother's Day!
Sandy

Striving to Soar

After my first chemo treatment, and marking my six year diagnosis anniversary, I got quite busy.  Last weekend I was asked to lead a break-out session at Glenkirk's Women's Refresh (retreat).  It was an honor to be able to give my testimony, and to be an encourager to the women in attendance.  I wanted them to know that God is at work in their trials as much as He as at work in mine. 

Planning what I was going to say was challenging in several ways.  One, I was not feeling completely well after the chemo, and our enemy used it to try and bog me down in my writing.  Two, I have had to fight very hard in the last month to get my own spiritual strength back because I am human and also get grounded by negative thoughts that threaten to overtake me with fear and worry. 

The theme of the retreat was "Soar" and the verse was Isaiah 40:31, which I have written about many times on my Blog. 

but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

As this verse says, we can get very weary and faint by carrying our load (worry, grief, anger...) by ourselves.  And I have to be reminded often that God wants to carry that burden for me.  When I surrender myself to God, and commit to wanting to do His will and travel His path, then the peace that transcends all understanding helps me to soar like wings of eagles.

Besides surrendering to God, one must really work hard to guard their mind and heart from the enemy. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7

I shared with the women at the retreat some ways in which I guard myself from the enemy, who wants to bring dark thoughts into my mind, and rob me of joy and life.  One of the ways I do this is to be constantly listening to Christian Music.  I have it going all of the time, because music is scripture, and I can sing scripture anywhere and remind myself of God's truths.

A favorite song is "Voice of Truth", which talks about how there is the voice of the enemy, and then there is the voice of my Savior.  My Savior says, "Do not be afraid."  So when I have a weak moment, I just stop my mind and start singing this song.

I also guard my mind with scripture, and I have some favorite promises from God that I pray and claim.  I personalize the scripture with my name, and trust that God never breaks His promises.  He especially has not broken the two promises he gave me six years ago the day after I was diagnosed.  Read Hebrews 13:5 and Romans 8:28.

Finally, it helps me to soar and find meaning in the midst of pain when I write on my Blog.  It feels good to be honest, but share my faith.  It is always my hope that the words I write will make a difference in someone's life.  That is where my purpose comes in this fight.

I had my second round of chemo yesterday, and I am not as sick the day after as I was the last time.  I ask that you continue to pray that it will knock down all of the pain, and be very effective in shrinking the tumors.

Blessings,
Sandy

Six Years!!!!

Today I reflect back on a normal day six years ago.  Michelle was home with pink eye.  We ran a few quick errands, and I cleaned up the house for company that night.  A normal Thursday, but Jon's Godfather was coming to the house (our new house) and then we were going to dinner.  A nice break from cooking. 

I got a call from Dr. Woodward's office saying he wanted to meet with Jon and I.  I told the receptionist that we had dinner plans.  She told me he would see me whenever we could get there.  That was the first little drop in my stomach. 

We went over after dinner.  Left the girls in the lobby to look at the fish.  It was very quiet, and as I walked down to Dr. Woodward's office at the end of the hall he was standing there, and his face was very strained.

The rest is a blur.  The MRI showed a broken neck and suggested possible reasons like bone cancer, leukemia, or metastatic cancer.  It was all being heard through the pounding in my head.  Surreal, horrifying, sickening.  Dr. Woodward distraught in his eyes.  He would help us get into City of Hope.  There were no clear answers. 

Jon and I did not talk on the way home.  We went through the motions of the night.  Getting the girls to bed, saying prayers as a family.   Rachel praying, "Dear Jesus, help mommy's neck to feel better."  Michelle with a similar prayer.

Jon an I were in shock.  We wanted it to be wrong, we prayed together in our room that it would all be a big mistake.  We had big dreams, a future, and kids.  This can't be happening.  We held each other and cried.

The weeks were a nightmare.  More tests, all of them coming back with horrible news.  Tumors all over my bones.  And then the final blow.  Meeting my Oncologist and hearing the words, "you have stage 4 metastatic breast cancer.  Incurable.  Five years.  Devastation.  Telling parents and friends, horrible fear, the darkest of days had come upon us. 

But there was light.  It was very small, but it penetrated the darkness.  It was the light of hope.  It was the light of my Jesus.  His presence filled the room one morning as I lay in bed in pain and despair.  He told me this would be used for His glory.  With all my heart I responded back, "Use me, I want to do your work and your will." 

Six years later, here I am.  It has been a glorious ride, but one full of suffering and challenges.  But, I have never forgotten that moment when I submitted everything to Jesus, and I have no regrets. 

I am suffering again.  The cancer has taken a turn into a new season of chemo and fight.  It has increased dramatically on my spine, and has gone into some lymph nodes in breast bone area.  The first round of new chemo was Monday, and it has been a hard week.  I hope it gets better soon.

I can say today, six years later, that there is something that burns within my when it comes to following Jesus.  He is the way, the truth and the life.  I want everyone around me to know this incredible love, which was shown on the cross when Jesus died for us all to pay the price for our sin.  If you don't believe that Jesus is the Messiah, and was not resurrected, then everything I have experienced the past six years must be a lie.  I stand on the foundation of a resurrected savior, and I have seen Him work in ways that are not possible on this earth.  I call to Jesus, and he answers me.

If you are a friend with doubts, if you want to know more, please call me.  I want to share with you the redemption and peace that comes with accepting Jesus as your personal savior.  It is a life of no regrets for me.  Only my own sin and choices have led me wrong.  Jesus has never failed me.

Today is a day of celebration.  I know there is more of my journey to be traveled.  I look forward to the new adventures that await.

Blessings,
Sandy

A Second Look at Scans

Dear Friends,


This past Monday I had a PET Scan and they found some things.  I have increased cancer in my spine, which is why I am having pain in hips, legs, sides, back.  They also saw a lymph node in my chest that is by my breast bone, which explains the pain I have been having in that area.   

This changes everything, but fortunately not as dramatic one would think.  I am going to start an infusion on Monday that is only 1/2 hour long, does not cause hair loss, and is administered every two weeks.  It is called Gemcitabine.  It is not as toxic as some chemotherapy drugs, and I have high hopes that it will shrink the tumors and give me relief from pain. 

Obviously, the word lymph node is not what I wanted to hear, but it is not the worst news either.  With a positive attitude and fierce faith in a merciful and healing God, I know this will be successful.  

PLUS, I have some very aggressive and insistent prayer warriors who would not let this issue drop.  Thank you for being one of them.

Love,

Sandy

When Everything Feels Unstable

"When everything feels unstable, God is still on the throne." - Ryan Tirona

This past weekend, one of our associate pastors, Ryan, gave a powerful sermon on the King of Culture.  He reminded us that whatever happens in this world (war, disease, evil), God is still King and will not be shaken. 

As I sat in church, I was a very unstable and broken person who needed to hear Ryan's message, and be reminded of God's holiness and power.  The reason I felt so bad was that I have been battling pain for so long, and I had gotten to a point of thinking the worse.  I was at the point where pain in unusual areas was running horrible scenarios in my mind that I could not stop.  I was facing the results of two tests on Monday, and preparing myself for the worst news possible.  On top of it all, I was privately stressed because I did not want to worry my family more than they already are.

I think I was right where the enemy wanted me to be, running scared.  Ryan painted a beautiful, and powerful picture of the incredible glory of God.  Every breath we get is from God.  God knows the hairs on our head, and if a sparrow falls.  God is not surprised at my weakness and fear, which is why He keeps reassuring me through His promises that no matter what I face, He will never leave me alone and unequipped.  Isn't that amazing?  The God of the universe loves me enough to take time to reassure me of His love! 

Monday I went into my PET Scan covered by lots of prayer.  I felt more at peace but still expecting to hear bad news.  Monday afternoon my doctor called and said that the PET Scan was clean, except for the two lesions on my liver we have been watching.  What?

All of my worst fears were relieved at the news, but it did not take away the pain.  Thankfully, my worst case scenario was all in my head, but there is still some figuring out to do.  Anything is better than cancer in internal organs, so I am breathing a little easier.  Now we are looking at bone related issues that could be pressing on nerves throughout my body.  We will see...

Sometimes I just get tired of the battle.  I think most people can relate.  That trial that just keeps going without an end in sight.  Finances, no employment, bad employment, angry kids, angry spouse, chronic illness...maybe all of the above. 

Simone Weil was right; there are only two things that pierce the human heart: beauty and affliction. Moments we wish would last forever and moments we wish had never begun.

I would not be honest if  I did not say that there are times when I wish this cancer journey had never begun.  It will be six years next week.  There have been 2,190 days of thinking about cancer.  But, as I reflect back, I can say there have been knee dropping, jaw opened wide, squeals of joy, heart soaring moments where God has gifted me with something so amazing I wish the feeling would last forever!  Cancer has been healed in spots unexpected, friends have come to know Jesus, a song on the radio lifts my spirits, whales start jumping out of the water and one waves at me for over a minute....God's incredible gifts, big and small, to remind me that He is on the throne and to hang on because though life has hairpin curves for me, He is not surprised nor shaken.  His mighty hand is there to guide me to places I never thought were possible.  Moments I would never want to give up or wish they had not happened.  So, I continue the journey that God put me on with great love and faith in a glorious and omnipresent God.  Nothing gets by Him!


That reminds me of a song... enjoy and believe!       Love, Sandy

Six hours, one Friday

Six hours, one Friday.  Mundane to the casual observer.   A shepherd with his sheep, a housewife with her thoughts, a doctor with his patients.  But to a handful of awestruck witnesses, the most maddening of miracles is occurring. God is on a cross.  The creator of the universe is being executed.
It is no normal six hours.  It is no normal Friday.  Far worse than the breaking of his body is the shredding of his heart.  And now his own father is beginning to turn his back on him, leaving him alone. What do you do with that day in history?  What do you do with its claims?  They were the most critical hours in history.
Nails didn’t hold God to a cross.  Love did. The sinless One took on the face of a sinner so that we sinners could take on the face of a saint!
“For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” (2 Corinthians 5:21).

Written by Max Lucado

Worthy is the Lamb

Jon and I have been watching "The Bible" series on The History Channel.  It has been a really good experience this month as we enter into Easter.  A visual that has stuck with me is how important a sacrifice was to the Jewish people, and specifically, a lamb.

The Jewish people were told by Moses to take the blood of a young lamb and put it on their door posts so that the angel of death would passover their home.  This would be the final straw that would make Pharaoh finally release them from slavery and leave Egypt.  From that time forward, the Jewish people celebrated Passover and told the story of how God delivered them to the next generation.

The Old Testament contains prophecies concerning the coming of the Jewish Messiah.  Isaiah 53:10 tells of a "guilt offering."  The prophets Jeremiah (11:19) and Isaiah (53:7) foretell the coming of Christ who would be brought "like a lamb led to the slaughter" and whose sacrifice would provide redemption of Israel.

Easter is all about the pure sacrifice that was made for all of our sins.  The Jewish people were waiting for a political redeemer, but Jesus came to redeem us all from the the bondage of sin and death.  We know that none of us our righteous enough to stand in the presence of God.  The only way we can be reconciled to Him is by Jesus paying our penalty.

¹⁸ For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors, ¹⁹ but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. ²⁰ He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake. ²¹ Through him you believe in God, who raised him from the dead and glorified him, and so your faith and hope are in God."  1 Peter 1:18-21

It is sobering this week to think about the weight of the world that was on Jesus as he entered Jerusalem.  He willing gave of himself over 2,000 years ago for me.  It is painful to think of the times when I don't act like a very appreciative receiver of such a sacrifice.

Thank you Jesus,
Sandy

 

God Uses Suffering

My Women’s Bible Study Group is studying 2 Corinthians, and there have been some writings by Paul that have hit very close to home for me.  2 Corinthians 1:3,4 says:

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

In our study book, author Paul Steven summed up this verse by saying:  “We should not be seeking a supernatural escape from the difficulties of life, but a supernatural use for our suffering.  Troubles become triumphs as God makes himself know in our weakness.

In our study last week, Paul continues to encourage believers who are suffering by reminding them of the promises of God during trying times.  In 2 Corinthians 4:16,17 it says:

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Maybe, like me, you read all of these beautiful writings and have deep gratitude that God uses our tears and pain.  Your heart, like mine, knows that there is more than our comfort on this earth.  And your mind accepts the promises of God.  However, you have been in a situation of suffering for quite a while and you wonder if the people you are in contact with are really getting the message of God through you, or is the suffering you experience in vain.  We know that our enemy puts a veil over unbelievers.  Can we really cut through that veil?

I was at this point last week when I arrived at GWBS.  I have been dealing with physical pain for a long time.  I am currently in radiation for a tumor on my arm that has caused intense bone pain.  But I also have constant achiness all over my bones (from chemo) that gets worse when the weather gets cold.  It was cold last week.

In doing my study book, I thought of all the people in my life that need salvation and have been on my prayer list for many years.  I thought about my current suffering and wondered if my testimony had really mattered to any of them to the point of coming to know Christ.  I know this thinking sounds crazy since I am pretty bold in writing about my faith through my Blog.  I get told all the time, “Sandy, you are so strong.”  I always give the glory to my relationship with God, but that is where it seems to end.  It will be six years in April, and I started to question what kind of dent can I put in this godless world around me?

Thankfully, when I have a bad Tuesday, I get to go get filled up on Wednesday. First, I love our Leader's Group and their encouragement and understanding. It is a place where we can all be honest. Then, Jeanette Kinsman did a devotion  (Isaiah 40:31) that really touched me and reminded me that there are often times when we are waiting for answers, and that Jesus is worth the wait.  In those waiting times, the Lord will renew our strength so we can run and not grow weary. 

In our lecture, Betsy drove home the message in such a fresh and beautiful way, and it reminded me that I will never be crushed or destroyed, and that all suffering is temporary and that our biggest goal is to just glorify God to others. Finally, in my small group we did more sharing and talking and I left the campus thinking that I have the best job in the world! I get to be a missionary for the King of Kings who can do anything, and is in complete control. I am part of His plan!!!

A friend picked me up at my house to take me to radiation. I can drive myself to City of Hope, but I have learned that when friends offer these are moments that God can use.  I did a short prayer while waiting that God would direct our conversation to Him.

We are on our way, and I am sharing my pain frustrations with my friend, who has known chronic pain. She then reaches over and grabs my hand as says, "Sandy, you never preached at me, and yet I have watched you live your faith. Another friend has also been an inspiration, and between the two of you, I have come to know the Lord, and our family is looking for a church."

I started crying with joy!  It was the kind of joy that is not of this earth, but from God. Not only has my friend come to know the Lord, but her husband and children are also seeking to know Jesus! I have prayed every day for this family to know Jesus for the past six years!  God’s timing of her telling me that day was just what I needed in my weariness to keep running this race.

Yes! We are a love letter from Jesus to others. And knowing this precious family is entering a relationship with Jesus makes every second of suffering worth it! It has also rejuvenated my soul to know that nothing is wasted by God.

It made me think of Paul and how God must have blessed him with great moments like mine.  I can only imagine the frustrations and discouragement Paul felt.  Maybe he had special friends that he prayed for every day, for years, with no results.  I can picture Paul in jail suffering, and maybe wondering if people will ever get it.  I wonder if on his lowest day a message arrived to tell him that a loved one had come to accept Jesus as their savior.  Did Paul’s hear soar like an eagle and prompt him to write encouraging words to be read by us over 2,000 years later?

I hope you feel rejuvenated today and will consider continuing with the race even though your suffering has not been taken away.  My pain is still with me, but nothing reduces pain better than to see God tear down a veil and reveal His glory to a beloved friend. 

Be persistent with your prayers, it is worth the wait!

Language of Love

My prayer time is always at it's best when I am at my worst.  When life is hard, pain is constant (I started radiation yesterday). and I can't help myself by using my own resources, I turn to God.  Prayer just flows out naturally at these times.  It is like an involuntary reflex, and seems to come from the deepest part of my soul. 

Author Eugene Peterson wrote:

"The language of prayer is forged in the crucible of trouble.  When we can't help ourselves and call for help, when we don't like where we are and want out, when we don't like who we are and want a change, we use primal language, and this language becomes the root language of prayer."

Talking to God does not require a special prayer, or a special place.  You can be anywhere and talk to God, and it can be done in your own language.  In the same way, God can talk to you through various means, and when we get used to His voice and special language, it gets easier to hear what He wants you to do.

I am reading a really great book called Love Does by Bob Goff.  He shares his faith and life lessons through various  experiences he as had in life.  One chapter is about his wife taking him to have his hearing checked because she thinks he has a problem.  Turns out he has selective hearing. (LOL) and turns it into a lesson for everyone on how we have selective hearing when it comes to God.

We hear the things we want to hear from God, and we also expect to hear it in an audible voice.  Most people do not hear a voice, and many don't get an answer because they don't recognize that tug or urge deep inside that may be God's prompting.  God's voice can be heard when you understand his character and nature.  When you know God loves you and forgives you, and you see love in the world, then God's truths move you into a certain direction.

"...most of us don't get an audible plan for our lives.  It's way better than that.  We get to be God's plan for the whole world by pointing people toward him."  - Bob Goff

God has His own language of love, and we hear it the most when we take time to pray and forge a relationship with Him.

Sandy