My usual reaction to ants is one of great irritation, but the job gets done and every little body gets cleaned up and I move on with my day. That did not happen on Tuesday morning, and this is why. The day before I was told that a tumor was found on my brain MRI. It is on the right side close to the spot that I have been suffering headaches, and the shingle pain. Let me recap for you what I have going on:
Shingles (Since June) 1,200 mg Neurontin, which makes me lethargic
Blood Clot - blood thinner medication, finger pricked every week, can't eat salads high in vitamin K
Back Pain - Probably a tumor on my spine radiating out, can only take morphine for pain
Rash - Started with shingles, but has not gone away
Cancer - Going on seven years, platelets down, three chemo changes in the past three months
Apparent Brain Tumor - but told later that day that it is not on/in the brain, but the lining
Ants
It is funny what is finally the straw that breaks the camel's back; for me it was the ants. Just as I was wrapping up the gassing of these horrible creatures, I felt a melt down coming on. I decided that it was best if I just sat in my closet for an hour and sob. I cried that God does not know my breaking point and has given more than I can handle. I cried that I had a tumor in my head. I cried that I have had cancer for almost seven years, and I cried that my dog was dead and I was lonely without him. I cried that I did not jump in the pool once all summer and have fun, and I cried that all my clothes in the closet don't fit because I have lost so much weight. There is a lot you can cry about once the flood gates are opened.
I have had several people tell me that I remind them of Job, a man in the Bible. As I finished up my sobbing, I had a very strong pull to go read about Job. I know the story of Job, but I wanted to know what his breaking point was, and how he endured the loss of everything and kept his faith strong.
I skipped over most of the beginning of the book. I knew that Job was a true man of God, and that he was respected and loved by everyone around him. He was very wealthy, but gave thanks to God everyday and shared his wealth. Satan came before God claiming that Job only trusted God because everything was going well for him. God allowed Satan to test Job, and Satan strips Job of everything. His family dies, his livestock dies, he has sores all over his body.
Satan tried his best to get Job to deny God. Job held firm in his faith. Finally, God speaks to Job and reminds him of his Sovereignty.
38 Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:
2 “Who is this that obscures my plans
with words without knowledge?
3 Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
with words without knowledge?
3 Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
4 “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
6 On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone—
7 while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels[a] shouted for joy?
Tell me, if you understand.
5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
6 On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone—
7 while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels[a] shouted for joy?
8 “Who shut up the sea behind doors
when it burst forth from the womb,
9 when I made the clouds its garment
and wrapped it in thick darkness,
10 when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,
11 when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;
here is where your proud waves halt’?
when it burst forth from the womb,
9 when I made the clouds its garment
and wrapped it in thick darkness,
10 when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,
11 when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;
here is where your proud waves halt’?
God had a lot more to say than what I have put above. Read chapter 38-42. However, I got the point right away. Faith starts with humility, and I can't even begin to have knowledge of the power, love and sovereignty of God. I was mad because He allowed ants to invade my home on the day I am receiving bad news about my MRI, and I am forgetting that God uses everything, even ants and cancer, to draw me closer to him.
Satan could not get Job to deny God, and though I am not even close to the strength of Job, I can't deny God either. In the end He is all I have. God is the only one who knows what will happen next, and I must humble myself and submit to the plan He has for me. As I look back, the ants did me a favor that day. They prompted me to cry everything out so I could walk into City of Hope strong and full of faith in my Father, who was right beside me. God never leaves us or forsakes us, and I felt His peace throughout the day.
Next Tuesday, I will have screws put in my head to help stabilize me so that the radiation beam can hit that one little tumor, and nothing else. The week after, I will be having radiation every afternoon, then they take the screws out.
This is a stressful time for my family. Though we have great faith, Jon and the kids can't help but be very concerned about me. It is hardest to stand by and watch a loved one go through so much. We pray, that like Job, God will restore health in a miraculous way. We need God to intervene as the Great Physician.
I know we are not alone as we are being tossed about in this storm. There are many around us that have their own stresses and ants. I pray that anyone reading this will also feel God's peace in their trial. We are not all naturally like Job. We doubt, and lash out at God, and wonder why He does not answer. You may need to humbly quiet yourself and listen. God often does not operate in the ways we would, so look for the unexpected. He really knows your needs better than yourself.
Lovingly,
Sandy
