I am sitting at my computer enjoying the rain and eating saltine crackers, but dreaming of a Double Double Cheeseburger in my near future. I feel overwhelmed with gratitude that I am nausea free, something I have not been in seventeen days.
I love Christmas. I love the smells, the sounds, the decorations, the fun of Christmas. I am a list maker, a doer, a planner, and I keep things humming around my house with Christmas activities. You can only imagine how defeating and sad it was when in the first days of December, I am not feeling well. The first weekend of December was MY weekend. All the things I loved. The Glenkirk Women's Celebration Breakfast, a special Girl Scout viewing of "Tangled", the annual Bonita Home Tour, my Book Club Party, and a CIF Football Game thrown in for even more fun. I put on a happy face and tried to plug through it, but honestly, nausea is a joy killer. My conversation with God at this point was, "The timing of this stinks! But, I will praise your name no matter what."
The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!" Job 1:21
I called in to City of Hope and got some nausea medication, but it really did not put a dent in my problem, but I kept moving and doing and going because the next weekend was the first Christmas Party I have ever thrown in my 24 years of married life, and I figured I could get through it fairly well. On the morning of my party, I woke up feeling worse than I had since starting this chemo, but there was stuff to be done and I was willing myself (and making many prayers to God) to make it through this. Fortunately, I have great friends to help, and Valerie and Margo came to set up so that I could take a nap. Well, the party happened, and I barely survived a couple of hours and then had to go upstairs. I was totally defeated and miserably ill, and too sick to even swallow the chemo pills.
"God is our refuge and strength, a tested help in times of trouble." Psalm 46:1
The next day I decided to take myself of the Xeloda for good. I was so ill and in pain that I could not imagine swallowing another pill. I thought that maybe the pain would subside after awhile. I would go into more detail, but Jon did a good job on keeping you posted on the happenings last week that lead to my hospital stay. What he did not tell you is the worry and sadness it brought to our daughters. They had to make their lunches, shop for secret pals, and handle everything for themselves. I weep while writing this because I feel sad, but very proud of how they got through their week with such courage. If I even got started on Jon, and the care and courage he gave me, this Blog posting would take you an hour to read.
Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promises give me life. Psalm 119:49,50
I don't want to be too melodramatic, but there came a time in the blur of last week that I wondered if there was something seriously wrong with me and that maybe this is how people with cancer to their liver die. I drifted in and out of sleep, and when awake, I read my little green book by Dodie Osteen called "Healed of Cancer", and I prayed my favorite verses that my Mom has labeled "Sandy's Promises from God." It comforted me to know that my God would never leave me, that He does impossible things, He is my strength, and He is the ultimate healer.
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest. Psalm 22:1,2
Fast forward to Thursday night at 3:00 a.m. as I writhed in pain and was overwhelmed with nausea. I was finally able to have my next dose of morphine and nausea meds. And just before I drifted off, I prayed, "Lord, where are you? I know you would never leave me, but I need something tangible to know that you are here. Show yourself to me somehow."
I drifted into a three hour sleep, and when I woke up it was all gone. The severe cramps and the nausea had been lifted! I could hardly believe how I felt! I got out of bed and did a little business all by myself. Remembering what got me back to the hospital and admitted last night, I filled a urine jar that was sitting there on the counter with my name on it. When the nurse came in, I told her I filled the jar and she said she did not have any order to get a urine sample. She took it anyway. When the doctor came in, I asked about the problem with the urine and the high sugar content, and he had no mention of it in his report. Later I asked the nurse about my urine, and she said she sent it in and it came back normal. It was a non-issue.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
The only reason I went back to City of Hope that night was a really bad urine test. It was on the way back to COH that I decided that I would not leave that facility until I walked out feeling like I was going to live. I believe that God gave me my tangible sign that He had not left me by providing a reason to go back because I absolutely could not manage the toxic mess I was in at home. It was because of that urine test that I got admitted to the hospital there and given all that I needed to flush out my system; the same little problem that was a non-issue by morning! Praise God!
I came home on Friday evening. I won't be eating my Double Double anytime soon. I am on a very bland diet. But I, without question, am over the top joyous about watching Disney Channel with Michelle or looking at my Facebook with Rachel. Jon is wrapping presents like a professional. Everything that is family and Christmas is just so sweet and simple. We have thrown all things that are normally done over-the-top out the window!
Tomorrow we will go to church (9:45 Glenkirk if anyone wants to join us), and savor the real reason for this season. The true gift of Christmas came as a baby, in a unexpected way. A glorious package wrapped in humbleness and love. The baby came to two young teenagers who did not chose their path, but were accepting of the task that God gave to them. I guess you could say I get that kind of faith. Once you have felt the breath of God, you can never go back to what you were before.
Thank you all for your prayers. God heard them, and I felt them.
Love,
Sandy