Sandy's Journey of Faith: The Spots

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Spots

If felt like 2007 all over again. Everything was fine, I felt great, and I was excited to tell my doctor about my pain free summer. Monday I had a routine follow up appointment with my Neurosurgeon, Dr. Mike Chen, who casually looked at my newest CT Scan not expecting anything, and had to be the one to tell me the notes indicated that there are lesions on my liver. What? My CT Scans have been clean for over two years! He did not want to say more because it is not his field, and fortunately I had an appointment with my Oncologist the next day.

I told Jon the news, and I think we were in shock because it did not occur to either of us that we should see my Oncologist, Dr. Cathy Chung, together. Thankfully, the next day as I was waiting I was prompted to call my dear friend, Dr. Laura Crocitto, and she came directly down from her office to be with me. My doctor came into the room well prepared to give me all the information she possibly could, and to give me options. These lesions have appeared over the past 5 months despite the stronger hormone inhibitor I switched to in April. I could try an even stronger medication, or I could do chemotherapy. We all agreed that I should do chemo, and it will start in about 2-3 weeks after I get a portacath. The drug is Abraxane, and is supposed to be relatively mild.

This is a new road our family is walking, and we have amazing family and friends to walk it with us. We told the girls last night, and we cried together. Our minister's sermon last week was titled, "Fair is not Fair." Rachel cried out, "Pastor Jim is right, God is not Fair!" I reminded her that Pastor Jim told us that a fair God would give us what we deserve. We do not deserve to have Him even look at us, yet he looks with incredible love. We don't deserve a single material thing, yet has provided for us. God is unfair in our favor. He accepted the man who hung on the cross next to Jesus into the kingdom of heaven because the man said he believed. That man did not teach a Sunday School class or have an Awana Group! Did he deserve at the 11th hour to enter the kingdom of heaven? Yes, because God did all the work on the cross to pave the way for a sinner like him (and me). That man is dancing around heaven thankful that God was not fair but full of grace.

Our family stands on the Word of God, and He has made promises to us through His Word. He has not broken a single promise! The biggest "WOW" moment of my life was to think that God would love me enough to send me a package in the mail that arrived the day after my first diagnosis. It was a Sunday School lesson titled "God is at His best when life is at it's worst." It included these promises:

Hebrews 13:5 For God said, "I will never leave you or forsake you."
Roman 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His will.

God uses broken and messed up people like me to do His work. I keep telling Him I am not qualified for this journey, and he keeps telling me that He knows, but He is going to shine through my cracks anyways. I am convinced that God did not create cancer, but He sure knows how to use it to His benefit. I have seen amazing changes in myself and others these past two years, and I know God is not done with all of us yet. He has a message in this new chapter, for me and for you. What is God trying to say to you? What is keeping you from listening?

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. he alone is my rock and my salvation, He is my fortress, I WILL NOT BE SHAKEN. My salvation and my honor depend on God. He is my mighty rock, my refuge. TRUST HIM AT ALL TIMES, O people; pour out your hearts to Him for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:5-8

Thank you for your prayers and love during this time.

Faithfully Yours,
Sandy

The Salvation Prayer

This prayer is an example of what to say to Jesus when you want Him to come into your heart. It is a humble statement between you and God that recognizes that we all fall short of being good enough to face God on our own. Jesus had to pay the price for our sins so we could come before God pure and blameless. You don't need to clean up your life before you pray this prayer. Jesus will come in and help you draw close to him.

Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.

My Journey (Revised 07/12/13)

Romans 8:28 says that in everything, God works for the good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

This is often a tough verse to swallow. We see our life falling down around us due to finances, broken relationships, or disease, and it becomes difficult to trust that God can work through these trials if we look for His purpose and trust in Him. There are times when it seems impossible for God to work anything for the good because things are so bad.

I was diagnosed with cancer in April 2007 when I had a stiff neck that would not go away. For four months I tried chiropractic care, massages, and stretching to try and loosen the knots that were all over my neck and down into my upper back. The stiff neck made sense to me because we had moved into a new house and I thought I had strained something.

Four months later I could not stand the pain any longer. I went back to my trusted chiropractor and he sent me to have an MRI. It was through that test that he saw something horribly wrong. My C5 vertebrae was gone, and my neck had collapsed! He called my husband and I into his office and told us the news that would change our life. There was some type of disease in my neck. He suspected that it was metastatic breast cancer.

We contacted City of Hope, and they asked me to get a bone scan. My life plunged further into darkness when the test came back showing lesions all over my bones. Several tests later, a small tumor in my breast was found, and I was officially diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. It is incurable.

My family decended into the valley of the shadow of death. It was a dark and painful time, and all of our lives changed forever. However, it was during that time God revealed His purpose for me. I have cherished my relationship with God all of my life. Because I had a spiritual foundation, when the bottom of my world dropped out from under me, I had a loving God to catch me. In many ways I feel that God had prepared me for this battle my entire life.

We shared the news with more family and friends, and the prayer support was amazing. I visualized the "switchboard in heaven" completely lit up with prayers for me. We tried to keep up the communication with everyone via e-mail, but a better solution came to mind.

On the eve of my surgery to repair my neck at City of Hope, I started a Blog, and called it "Sandy's Journey of Faith." Little did I know that this was the gift and ministry that God had been training me for. It started with us giving updates, and then turned into a forum in which I could share my faith as I walked hand in hand with Jesus through this trial. Jon would sometimes be a guest writer, and we were getting lots of interest and encouragement from everyone to keep it up.

I am still in awe that I can continue to write and share the ups and downs of living with cancer in such a powerful way. God uses our technology for His glory. I am just the typist, but God is the true writer of this Blog. There are often times when I wake up in the middle of the night (when it is the most quiet) and just start writing something that God has placed on my heart. It is a humbling journey to know that the God of this Universe cares about my Blog, and can use it.

I am forever thankful for the brilliant, and compassionate doctors at City of Hope. I trust them to do what is necessary to give me a good quality of life. My cancer journey has been a roller coaster of chemotherapy, radiation, surgeries, and on going treatments. I believe that God brings doctors into our lives to help us, but He is the ultimate physician, and I have seen miraculous healing as well.

My journey still involves metastasized cancer. God has His reasons for not healing me, and I have learned that His road for me is better that mine. Through it all, I have grown personally closer to Jesus, and I have seen miracles in the lives of people around me that are better gifts that the healing of cancer. When a loved one comes to know this amazing and loving God that I worship, my cancer journey is worth it.

There are hundreds of promises that God has made to those He calls His own. My favorite promise is from Hebrews 13:5 "I will never leave you or forsake you." I can say, without hesitation, that God has never left my side throughout this journey of mine. Sometimes the answers have come slower than I would have liked, and often times not in the way I would have envisioned, but God's love is constant and unconditional.

God has taken a broken vessel (me), and has shown His light through the cracks. I am humbled and thankful that you took time to read this Blog. I pray that it has inspired you to seek out a relationship with the one who went to the cross so that you can be free. Jesus makes promises, and He never breaks them.

-Sandy Boulware

Prayer for Salvation

There is not specific prayer that needs to be prayed word for word. It is just a humble statement between you and Jesus as you recognize all that He did because of His love for you. You don't need to clean up your life before saying this prayer. Jesus will help you find a way, through faith, to draw closer to Him.

Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.