Last Thursday was the last day of radiation, and my Talon Screws came out. I know that God says he will not give us more that we can take (1 Corinthians 10:13), but I will honestly say he has walked me to the very edge of the abyss.
The actual radiation was a horrible experience, and one that I could never repeat again. Having metal rods attached to the screws to clamp down your skull so tight you can't move a fraction of an inch, is claustrophobic and uncomfortable. After having a complete melt down on day two, I had to drug up before hand so I would relax. When in a situation like that, prayer, word games, and squeezing a soft ring (they provide) is the only way to psychologically get through. Thankfully, it was only five treatments.
After the last radiation, I went to the triage area and had the screws taken out. I was dreading it all week, but the shots to numb the area were probably the worst part, they were like bee stings. Jon's hand is crushed from me squeezing it! We were given the screws to show off. Now I am really going to get some respect!!!
As I said in the beginning, God does not give us more than we can take without giving us a way to get out. The only thing I can say is that I did make it through, and God sent me reminders every day of His love. On my worst day, I came home and there was a beautiful note from a friend at church that really encouraged me. The next day I received flowers from Michelle's softball association, which really made me feel special. The fourth day I received pink roses from some sweet neighbors that brightened my day, and along the way I found out the several nurses in the radiation area read my Blog and have passed it along. Each day I found this outpouring of love to be timely and meaningful. I think it is all God's way of loving me through this very difficult time.
I don't have all the answers as to why I had to walk this precarious road. I have cancer that wants to destroy me, I have an enemy that does not like the work I do for God, and I have a God that sees the bigger picture and uses hard times to display His love. I know that God is ultimately in control and allowed this journey, and He did provide me with the means to move forward each day, though I did not want to and I prayed for this cup to pass.
I really trust my Heavenly Father and want to do His will. It was the hardest road I have ever traveled in the six years + years I have been fighting this disease. I am currently fighting intense fatigue, and body aches. I start up chemo on Monday, and I hope that it will help in shrinking some tumors so that the spine pain will lessen.
I know I am always held up in prayer, and for that I am so thankful. If you are walking the hardest road of your life, I hope you are sharing your burden with others so that you too can be held up in prayer. Nobody should walk these dark roads of life alone. I know Jesus walks beside me, and you, but that physical support of friends and family is also a huge blessing.
Love,
Sandy
