This past weekend, one of our associate pastors, Ryan, gave a powerful sermon on the King of Culture. He reminded us that whatever happens in this world (war, disease, evil), God is still King and will not be shaken.
As I sat in church, I was a very unstable and broken person who needed to hear Ryan's message, and be reminded of God's holiness and power. The reason I felt so bad was that I have been battling pain for so long, and I had gotten to a point of thinking the worse. I was at the point where pain in unusual areas was running horrible scenarios in my mind that I could not stop. I was facing the results of two tests on Monday, and preparing myself for the worst news possible. On top of it all, I was privately stressed because I did not want to worry my family more than they already are.
I think I was right where the enemy wanted me to be, running scared. Ryan painted a beautiful, and powerful picture of the incredible glory of God. Every breath we get is from God. God knows the hairs on our head, and if a sparrow falls. God is not surprised at my weakness and fear, which is why He keeps reassuring me through His promises that no matter what I face, He will never leave me alone and unequipped. Isn't that amazing? The God of the universe loves me enough to take time to reassure me of His love!
Monday I went into my PET Scan covered by lots of prayer. I felt more at peace but still expecting to hear bad news. Monday afternoon my doctor called and said that the PET Scan was clean, except for the two lesions on my liver we have been watching. What?
All of my worst fears were relieved at the news, but it did not take away the pain. Thankfully, my worst case scenario was all in my head, but there is still some figuring out to do. Anything is better than cancer in internal organs, so I am breathing a little easier. Now we are looking at bone related issues that could be pressing on nerves throughout my body. We will see...
Sometimes I just get tired of the battle. I think most people can relate. That trial that just keeps going without an end in sight. Finances, no employment, bad employment, angry kids, angry spouse, chronic illness...maybe all of the above.
Simone Weil was right; there are only two things that pierce the human heart: beauty and affliction. Moments we wish would last forever and moments we wish had never begun.
I would not be honest if I did not say that there are times when I wish this cancer journey had never begun. It will be six years next week. There have been 2,190 days of thinking about cancer. But, as I reflect back, I can say there have been knee dropping, jaw opened wide, squeals of joy, heart soaring moments where God has gifted me with something so amazing I wish the feeling would last forever! Cancer has been healed in spots unexpected, friends have come to know Jesus, a song on the radio lifts my spirits, whales start jumping out of the water and one waves at me for over a minute....God's incredible gifts, big and small, to remind me that He is on the throne and to hang on because though life has hairpin curves for me, He is not surprised nor shaken. His mighty hand is there to guide me to places I never thought were possible. Moments I would never want to give up or wish they had not happened. So, I continue the journey that God put me on with great love and faith in a glorious and omnipresent God. Nothing gets by Him!
That reminds me of a song... enjoy and believe! Love, Sandy
