The tests results were good. No trace of tumors in the brain. No major issues in the spine, except for a herniated disc that will heal itself (I thought you couldn't get hurt if you pick up a potted plant quickly and when nobody is looking), and a slight increase on my bone scan. All and all it was a green light for chemo, so tomorrow I go ahead with having the port put into my chest.
I left the doctor's office feeling empty and unsatisfied. Where was the miracle? Where was God? Why do I have to go through this? To be honest, I was so mad at God I had the good sense to go immediately to my friend Pat's house so that I could rant and rave in the privacy of her home and not run the risk of God striking me with lightening in my own house!
Pat is a wise woman. She let me vent my anger, and then she gave me a visual. I had pushed God out of the driver's seat. I was driving. Well, I don't like the road He has chosen! He wants to take the long way with lights and pedestrian crosswalks. I want to take the freeway!!! He has some soft "Trust and Obey" music going. I want to rock out to "Healing Rain!" He wants the windows down. I'm worried about my hair!!
Like a good girl, I have climbed into the back seat. It is not about me, right? I still have my arms crossed and I am sulking in the back seat, but at least I know I have a safe driver. I don't feel like speaking to the driver at the moment, but He knows that won't last for very long. He knows it won't be long before I am singing His songs and enjoying the ride and agreeing that He took the right way.
God is much more creative than I ever could be. He is a God that heals, and His timing is best. God loves me and wrote an entire book about it. I can be really disappointed at how things have turned out; he understands. He forgives me even though I don't deserve it.
Trust and Obey,
for there's no other way,
to be happy in Jesus,
but to trust and obey.
This song is one of the classics, and a reminder that trusting and obeying is all I have. Tomorrow I go down a path that I had hoped would be a long way off. I know I don't walk it alone.
When we pray and ask for God's will to be done in a given situation, we must believe that His will is, in fact, very good, and that He is quite able to accomplish it. Any asking that maintains an internal sense of panic is not genuine trust. It reveals a hidden belief that we are perhaps more critical to the situation than God is. But, to trust is to rest, and the heart that is calm has learned that Jesus is above the storm. (unknown author)
Sandy
