I can't help but wake up every morning with praise on my lips for good health during this Christmas season. I had a check-up with my Oncologist last week, and we both were practically "giddy" that I am feeling so great, and everything is stable. This is a far cry from last year.
On November 30, 2010, I went in for my six week check-up, and I was told that cancer had spread to my liver (again). I was stunned because I felt so good, and was anticipating the holiday season that was upon us. I was put on a new chemotherapy drug, that fortunately I could take orally at home.
The news caught me off guard, and I was immediately attacked with fear and despair. I had already experienced the feeling of being told the cancer had spread to my liver, but after eight months of a chemo infusion, and tons of prayer, the lesions had disappeared, and my Oncologist credited God more than the drugs I was on. So here I am only eight short months later, and I was afraid. To top it all off, Elizabeth Edwards (who had metastatic breast cancer) was on her death bed because her cancer had gone to her liver and it was all over the news. I felt overwhelmed.
I started my new chemo regiment the next day, and within 24 hours, I was feeling "off". I was taking three pills in the morning and three at dinner. I figured I did not have enough in my stomach, and I just needed to get my body adjusted to the new drug. Unfortunately, the nausea continued to increase. Within days I was forcing myself to eat something so I could take the pills, and I was put on an anti-nausea pill. Nothing was helping. You know how it goes, you wait for the moment that you will feel better, it does not happen, you try something else... I was trying to hard to manage the nausea, but it was ruining everything that I enjoy during the month of December. All social functions revolve around food, and I could not stand to smell anything.
Several weeks go by of trying new things, and I had a big Christmas Party at my house fast approaching. I am desperately trying to feel better, but it is getting worse. The day of my party, I wake up feeling as if a hole had been blown into my stomach. It was my worst day yet. It was too late to stop the train for coming, so in true "female" style, I was going to power through the party. Sadly, and hour into it, I had to go upstairs and go to bed. I was miserable.
The next week, I got into my Oncologist. I was dehydrated and toxic. I ended up being admitted to the hospital so they could flush me out. What happened that week is a long story (and I have already written too much), but God's hand was in it all. On December 17th, I woke up and was so happy that the pain and nausea had lifted.
It is probably hard for many to understand, but my physical misery was accompanied by a spiritual peace. The entire 17 days were filled with many gifts. Friends and family who cared for me and loved me. People praying with me. If you really want to hear a specific gift that God gave me, then scroll back to my Blog on December 19, 2010. God interceded in ways that only He can. I am still amazed at the ways He loves and cares for me.
Here I am, a year later, and you can certainly understand why I am so happy to be feeling good and not guilty for one moment for the eight pounds I will put on this month. We all have struggles, trials, miserable times in our lives. We wish for an easy going existence, and sometimes we get is for a little while, but something always comes up. However, it seems as if those trials that come always grow us in ways we would have never understood before. We don't like it, but when we surrender to God, He not only direct us out of our misery, but He can also set us on a new ground with deeper insight into His love and will for our lives.
Last year was an unexpected road for me, but a necessary one. There were things that happened during that time that developed into amazing gifts later (see my Whale Tale in April 2011). The gifts were not just for me, but for others who walked along side me. It called people to prayer in the midst of the busy season.
It makes me think about two other people who were on an unexpected road. Mary and Joseph could not even begin to wrap their minds around what was about to happen to them. Sure, they each were approached by and angel. That is powerful in itself. But they were young, and life was not at all what they had planned for. And then there was the timing of a census. What was God thinking? Could he make it any harder?
"God, I have cancer (in case you haven't noticed), can't you make it a little easier? Why did this have to happen in December when so much is going on?"
Sometimes we just have to continue walking the road God has set before us with faith. It is not our job to know everthing. It is our job to just be obediant and trusting. God loves us so much. He would not ask us to do anything beyond what we could handle, and often times there are other things He is working on simutaniously so that our lives intersect with other lives. It is a masterpiece that I am humbled to be a part of.
Humble. That was the plan that God had. To bring His Son into this world in a humble way. The only fanfare was the angels and a group of shepherds, and a teenage girl and boy. Who would possibly write a story like that for the Savior of the world?
God wrote the story, and it changed me forever. I hope you have a moment of wonder this month as you reflect on the power of God and His intimate love for you.
Blessings,
Sandy
