Sandy's Journey of Faith: Achy Legs

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Achy Legs

I have been told by several people that they are amazed at my confidence and peace, and they feel weak when they are gripped by fear and can't find peace. They wonder if it is a lack of faith that they feel this way, which causes even deeper fear.

I want everyone to know, that I have my moments with fighting fear. Fear is not lack of faith. We are human, and sometimes fear gets the best of you. You can have fear and not waiver in your faith in God. I fought horrible fear in the days and months surrounding my diagnosis. I lost twenty pounds because the fear was so strong it effected my appetite. How did I get over it? I realized that fear is from Satan. He wants me to be debilitated by fear. He wants me to not have hope, not trust Jesus, not be strong enough to share my faith with others. Once I knew in my head that Satan was robbing me of time because of fear, I started telling Satan where he could go. I started eating just to spite Satan. I started reading scripture out loud and ignoring the lies that Satan was telling me. The Bible is laced with scripture that says, "Do not fear!" These past two weeks, Satan really fanned the fire of doubt and fear in my own life because of a constant pain I have had.

My legs really started to bother me over a month ago. I know that originally it was a result of me pushing my exercise to another level, even though my doctors want me to just walk or do the elliptical machine. I wanted to tone up and drop a few pounds, so I went overboard. Usually that passes in a couple of days, but it continued to linger. The pain was compounded by a weekend of walking around Disneyland (which I was in pain the entire time), and just being on my feet during the day as I run from here to there. Two weeks ago, Michelle was home sick three days, so I took the opportunity to baby myself and not put a whole lot of pressure on my legs. Instead of helping, the pain escalated. During this time, I started to get concerned that the pain was related to cancer because it started with my pelvic bone area and caused both legs to throb. As the pain increased, my mind started taking me into a place of fear. This last Monday, I called my Oncologist at COH and asked the question that had haunted me (and Jon) for over a week, "Is this a symptom of Metastatic Breast Cancer?" My doctor told me that this is not something she sees with my condition, and that because the pain in symmetric it is probably muscular and she ordered up an MRI.

Funny how the mind works. Once I was reassured by her, and then posted on the blog and felt the prayer support, the pain started to dwindle. By Friday, I was totally off all medication to reduce the pain. Was it mental? Did my mind overreact and tell my body it was not going to get better? I still have slight pain, so it is hard to know if it had just run it's course. I can say that today I feel very good, almost normal. I had to call my doctor last Friday and sheepishly admit that I was much better, and it could have been my mind telling my body the worst case scenario.
The point is, our minds are very strong. We can tell ourselves we are going to get sick, and we will. We can imagine scenarios in a relationship and overreact. Satan knows this. He uses this tactic more often than you think. He likes to scare us and then sit back and watch our minds take off. He wants to drive us away from God and make us feel like we are not being very strong in our faith. He wants us to feel isolated and scared, and he just loves it when we are awake at 2a.m. thinking the worst.

For God has NOT given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
Timothy 1:7

Here is a sample of what I say out loud when I am experiencing fear:

Satan, you have no right to torment me. I am a child of God. I am full of His peace and love. I am casting all of my cares upon God because I know He cares for me. Leave my home, leave my thoughts, and don't think for a moment that fear will keep me from loving and serving God. Your attempts at weakening me are futile. I stand on the rock of my salvation. I will not sink to your level.

After I rebuke Satan, I don't talk to him any longer. I visualize myself curled up in the lap of God, who will protect me and give me peace. I think of every amazing way He has taken care of me. I start thanking Him for the blessings he has given me, and the ones to come. I recall scripture, or I go to my list of verses that my Mom typed up for me. Many of those verses talk about God's peace and protection.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

I hope this helps you like it has helped me. Even I need to be reminded at times to stop the cycle of fear by telling the author of fear to flee. The battle belongs to the Lord, and I can find rest and peace in His arms.

Fearlessly Yours,
Sandy

The Salvation Prayer

This prayer is an example of what to say to Jesus when you want Him to come into your heart. It is a humble statement between you and God that recognizes that we all fall short of being good enough to face God on our own. Jesus had to pay the price for our sins so we could come before God pure and blameless. You don't need to clean up your life before you pray this prayer. Jesus will come in and help you draw close to him.

Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.

My Journey (Revised 07/12/13)

Romans 8:28 says that in everything, God works for the good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

This is often a tough verse to swallow. We see our life falling down around us due to finances, broken relationships, or disease, and it becomes difficult to trust that God can work through these trials if we look for His purpose and trust in Him. There are times when it seems impossible for God to work anything for the good because things are so bad.

I was diagnosed with cancer in April 2007 when I had a stiff neck that would not go away. For four months I tried chiropractic care, massages, and stretching to try and loosen the knots that were all over my neck and down into my upper back. The stiff neck made sense to me because we had moved into a new house and I thought I had strained something.

Four months later I could not stand the pain any longer. I went back to my trusted chiropractor and he sent me to have an MRI. It was through that test that he saw something horribly wrong. My C5 vertebrae was gone, and my neck had collapsed! He called my husband and I into his office and told us the news that would change our life. There was some type of disease in my neck. He suspected that it was metastatic breast cancer.

We contacted City of Hope, and they asked me to get a bone scan. My life plunged further into darkness when the test came back showing lesions all over my bones. Several tests later, a small tumor in my breast was found, and I was officially diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. It is incurable.

My family decended into the valley of the shadow of death. It was a dark and painful time, and all of our lives changed forever. However, it was during that time God revealed His purpose for me. I have cherished my relationship with God all of my life. Because I had a spiritual foundation, when the bottom of my world dropped out from under me, I had a loving God to catch me. In many ways I feel that God had prepared me for this battle my entire life.

We shared the news with more family and friends, and the prayer support was amazing. I visualized the "switchboard in heaven" completely lit up with prayers for me. We tried to keep up the communication with everyone via e-mail, but a better solution came to mind.

On the eve of my surgery to repair my neck at City of Hope, I started a Blog, and called it "Sandy's Journey of Faith." Little did I know that this was the gift and ministry that God had been training me for. It started with us giving updates, and then turned into a forum in which I could share my faith as I walked hand in hand with Jesus through this trial. Jon would sometimes be a guest writer, and we were getting lots of interest and encouragement from everyone to keep it up.

I am still in awe that I can continue to write and share the ups and downs of living with cancer in such a powerful way. God uses our technology for His glory. I am just the typist, but God is the true writer of this Blog. There are often times when I wake up in the middle of the night (when it is the most quiet) and just start writing something that God has placed on my heart. It is a humbling journey to know that the God of this Universe cares about my Blog, and can use it.

I am forever thankful for the brilliant, and compassionate doctors at City of Hope. I trust them to do what is necessary to give me a good quality of life. My cancer journey has been a roller coaster of chemotherapy, radiation, surgeries, and on going treatments. I believe that God brings doctors into our lives to help us, but He is the ultimate physician, and I have seen miraculous healing as well.

My journey still involves metastasized cancer. God has His reasons for not healing me, and I have learned that His road for me is better that mine. Through it all, I have grown personally closer to Jesus, and I have seen miracles in the lives of people around me that are better gifts that the healing of cancer. When a loved one comes to know this amazing and loving God that I worship, my cancer journey is worth it.

There are hundreds of promises that God has made to those He calls His own. My favorite promise is from Hebrews 13:5 "I will never leave you or forsake you." I can say, without hesitation, that God has never left my side throughout this journey of mine. Sometimes the answers have come slower than I would have liked, and often times not in the way I would have envisioned, but God's love is constant and unconditional.

God has taken a broken vessel (me), and has shown His light through the cracks. I am humbled and thankful that you took time to read this Blog. I pray that it has inspired you to seek out a relationship with the one who went to the cross so that you can be free. Jesus makes promises, and He never breaks them.

-Sandy Boulware

Prayer for Salvation

There is not specific prayer that needs to be prayed word for word. It is just a humble statement between you and Jesus as you recognize all that He did because of His love for you. You don't need to clean up your life before saying this prayer. Jesus will help you find a way, through faith, to draw closer to Him.

Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.