A Guidepost article from 1972 relates a short story titled "I'm Still Learning to Forgive"
It was in a church in Munich that I saw him, a balding heavy-set man in a gray overcoat, a brown felt hat clutched between his hands. People were filing out of the basement room where I had just spoken. It was 1947 and I had come from Holland to defeated Germany with the message that God forgives. ... And that's when I saw him, working his way forward against the others. One moment I saw the overcoat and the brown hat; the next, a blue uniform and a visored cap with its skull and crossbones. It came back with a rush: the huge room with its harsh overhead lights, the pathetic pile of dresses and shoes in the center of the floor, the shame of walking naked past this man. I could see my sister's frail form ahead of me, ribs sharp beneath the parchment skin. Betsie, how thin you were! Betsie and I had been arrested for concealing Jews in our home during the Nazi occupation of Holland; this man had been a guard at Ravensbruck concentration camp where we were sent. ... "You mentioned Ravensbruck in your talk," he was saying. "I was a guard in there." No, he did not remember me. "I had to do it — I knew that. The message that God forgives has a prior condition: that we forgive those who have injured us." "But since that time," he went on, "I have become a Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there, but I would like to hear it from your lips as well. Fraulein, ..." his hand came out, ... "will you forgive me?" And I stood there — I whose sins had every day to be forgiven — and could not. Betsie had died in that place — could he erase her slow terrible death simply for the asking? It could not have been many seconds that he stood there, hand held out, but to me it seemed hours as I wrestled with the most difficult thing I had ever had to do. For I had to do it — I knew that. The message that God forgives has a prior condition: that we forgive those who have injured us. "If you do not forgive men their trespasses," Jesus says, "neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses." ... And still I stood there with the coldness clutching my heart. But forgiveness is not an emotion — I knew that too. Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. "Jesus, help me!" I prayed silently. "I can lift my hand, I can do that much. You supply the feeling." And so woodenly, mechanically, I thrust my hand into the one stretched out to me. And as I did, an incredible thing took place. The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, sprang into our joined hands. And then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes. "I forgive you, brother!" I cried. "With all my heart!" For a long moment we grasped each other's hands, the former guard and the former prisoner. I had never known God's love so intensely as I did then.
You may never receive an apology like the one Corrie Ten Boom received. I think it is hardest to forgive when you don't receive an apology. Yet the Bible is clear about us forgiving. It is for our own physical and mental health. If we carry the pain every day, it takes control of everything that comes out of us. Don't ever let someone else have that kind of control over you. God should be the only one in control of our lives, and He would never do anything that requires an apology.
On the other side of the coin is offering an apology. Jon and I have tried to teach our girls the magic of an apology. When you sincerely say your sorry, it is like the hurt that was caused disappears. Sometimes things come out of our mouths that we regret. An apology can turn the ugliness to peace again. When you get an apology, you need to forgive and not let the hurt reappear.
I used to "recall" things when in an argument with Jon. I would rehash old wounds to support whatever point I was trying to make. Somewhere along the way in our 22 years of marriage, I learned how very unhealthy that was. Today, Jon and I try to teach our girls that we forgive and forget. We don't need to revisit those hurtful moments, we just need to learn from them and try not to repeat them. Apologizing to your child is a great learning moment for them. We all make mistakes. It says, "I value you and I want you to know that it was my fault not yours."
I am not the expert here. I have never had something so deeply traumatic that I couldn't forgive. I usually find myself on the other side where I am asking forgiveness for something thoughtless that has come out of my mouth. Ultimately, I am thankful each day that God forgives me and still wants to use me. It is humbling to say the least that He would send Jesus to be the sacrifice for me and my sins.
I hope this helps anyone who is living with hurt today. Let God rid you of the pain. He is the only one who can give peace and perfect love.
Sandy
P.S. Corrie died on April 15, 1983 in Orange, California, on her ninety-first birthday.
References:Ten Boom, C., Sherril, J., Sherril, S., (1971): The Hiding Place. New York: Bantam.Ten Boom, C., Buckingham, J. (1974). Tramp for the Lord. New York: Jove Corrie Ten Boom by Cheryl Cheek Guidepost article ©1972 "I'm Still Learning to Forgive
