Telling my Mother I had cancer was probably harder than telling my Dad. My mother had been going through a very rough time with her husband being ill, and she had just seen her son go off to the war in Iraq. She was a bit unstable at the time, and I remember praying all the way out to Lake Elsinore that God would give me the right words. God did give me the words that day. I will never forget the look on my mother's face, but I will also never forget the peace and strength I had when I told my mother that I thought God had something big planned, and that He had prepared me for this moment my entire life.
Something happened to my mother that day that has changed both of our lives. My mother had a very serious talk with God, and then she remembered reading the story of Dodie Osteen, mother of Joel Osteen, who had been healed from cancer thirteen years ago. Mother's Day was coming up, and my Mom searched out that little book called "Healed from Cancer", and she also purchased Dodie's devotional book called "Choosing Life". Those two books changed us both. It was through Dodie's testimony that we came to understand God's promises, and the incredible power of healing. My mother and I have been on an incredible journey this past year. We share a deeper understanding of God's word, and my Mother has become a great force of strength for me. I could write for days about what it means to me to be in this battle with my Mom by my side, but nobody can explain better than her what this past year has meant to us both.
Mom’s Memories of “That Day”
Tuesday, May 1, 2007, started with the joyous expectation that I was going to have lunch with my daughter at the Lake Elsinore Outlet Mall. Sandy had called a few days before and stated she was looking for something in particular for her new home and thought a store in that mall might have what she wanted. I was very excited, as this is not something we usually do.
I arrived at the mall shortly before Sandy and I saw her pull in the parking lot and waved at her. She parked close to me and we went in together. We looked at the directory and she did not see the store she had in mind, so we went into a few stores I was interested in and then went to have lunch. (Looking back, she seemed a little distracted).
We sat at a table outside at the Dairy Queen and were making small talk, when she stated "Mom, I have some bad news, and I don't even know how to tell you." Alarmed, my mind raced to try and figure out what she was going to tell me (cancer was the furthest thing from my mind). All of this happened in a split second. Suddenly, she was telling me that she might have some type of cancer, but they didn’t know yet what kind and where it came from. After hearing the word "cancer," I don't remember much, because I was in shock. I know I started crying and I remember saying "Oh, my God, how can this be." Sandy reminded me about the trouble she had in her neck and that her chiropractor had ordered an MRI and it came back with some abnormalities and then referred her to City of Hope for a bone scan. The bone scan showed spots in the pelvic area, ribs and neck. They didn't know yet how it got to her bones undetected. They were going to be checking to see how it spread to her bones. This explained why she had had so much neck pain. Needless to say, I was devastated!
I was not handling this news very well and couldn't stop the flow of tears, so we went to the parking lot. I am not sure what we talked about, maybe what tests she would be going through in the future and what the short-term plan was. At that point, I was a zombie. We hugged and got in our own cars and departed. I cried all the way home. I came into the house and laid on the bed and cried. I talked to God and asked him why her? My mother didn't have cancer, nor did I. Why Sandy? She ate well and exercised. She did everything right. Why her? I remember pleading with him to take me instead. I told him that I was ready to die. A mother doesn't bury her children. There is an order to life, and if anyone was going to die, it should be me. I reminded him (as if He needed to be reminded) that she had a wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters. I said, "Please, God, don't make us bury my daughter."
I didn't have too long to grieve because I had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon, so had to get going. I remember crying in the waiting room and sharing the news with my doctor and his assistant. They were very sympathetic. I came home to my empty home, and felt the urge to call my closest friends for moral support.
I called my deal friend, Joanne Hoefer, and she said she heard the news already, that Marv had called them. Apparently she knew for awhile and she told me that everyone was waiting for Sandy to tell me and were praying for us that day. I found out that Sandy didn't know how to tell me, so she planned the shopping trip. Also, it was hard for her to tell me because of what I was going through with my own problems; i.e., Terry was suffering from Alzheimer’s and Aaron had just left for Iraq. Needless to say, I was crying and Joanne was trying to comfort me as best as she could under the circumstances. She reminded me that God is in control.
I then called my deal friend, Bev Busch. I don't remember if Bev already knew, but she told me about a little book that Dodie Osteen wrote about her battle with cancer. She is the mother of Joel Osteen, a wonderful minister on television. I actually had given Jon a book at Christmas that was written by Joel Osteen. Later I learned it had a chapter in it about how his mother, Dodie, was healed of terminal cancer. Anyway, Bev was a comfort to me also and I was determined to read Dodie's book.
I went to Barns & Noble to get the book, but it was not in print anymore. I did, however, find a devotional book written by Dodie Osteen entitled "Choosing Life." After reading in the devotional book several days, I was amazed at what Dodie was saying about picking out God's promises in the Bible and claiming them for ourselves, and making a list of them and repeating them over daily, and to believe that you will be healed. Mother's day was coming up in a few weeks, so I bought another copy of this book to give to Sandy. I also spoke to Sandy's good friend Cindy Axton about the little book by Dodie that was about her specific healing. She offered to get it for me on Amazon.com. It arrived before Mother's day, so I gave Sandy that book too.
Meanwhile, I did my share of crying and pleading with God to spare Sandy’s life. As I read through the little book about Dodie’s healing, and read through Dodie’s devotional book, I became stronger. I rededicated my life to Jesus, as I had gotten off track the last several years and I was struggling with many terrible things that were happening in my life at the present time.
During the course of Sandy's ongoing examinations, it was discovered she had a 2" tumor in her vertebrae, between the 5th and 6th cervical discs. She would have to have surgery immediately or she would run the risk of being paralyzed. Her surgery was on May 30th at City of Hope. I stayed the night at Sandy's and Jon's and, while they got up early to get to the hospital to get prepped, I got the girls off to school. When I got to the hospital, Jon had been with her in pre-op, and came out so that I could see her before her surgery. I remember praying with her and told her that God was right here with us and there was a verse in the Bible that I wanted to share with her. I said "pretend you are the woman in Mark who pressed through the crowd to try to touch the hem of Jesus' garment because she knew if she could just touch it, she would be healed of her infirmity. Jesus felt her touch his garment, and looked at her and said "Daughter, your faith has healed you, go in peace and be freed from your suffering." I asked Sandy to close her eyes and picture that she was touching the hem of Jesus' garment.
Jon and I waited most of the day in the waiting room, as the surgery took several hours. There were many visitors who came and waited with us, including her father and step-mother. The only one missing was Aaron. We chose not to tell him because he had just left for Baghdad and we didn't want him to worry. The doctor told us that they had gotten 80 percent of the tumor and that things were pretty nasty in there. The tumor had eaten up the 5th disc and they had to insert a titanium cage with screws.
Sandy was in ICU for several days and battled extreme pain. Her pain level was at 9 or 10. One morning, when I was getting ready to go to the hospital, I prayed for God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit to help me turn back the "dial" of pain. I was crying, and begged them to put their hands on mine and turn her pain down to a 3 or 4. I seem to recall that it was about 8:00 a.m. When I got to the hospital and shared this with Sandy, she told me that at about the same time, her pain went down to a 3 or 4. I knew then, that she was going to be okay.
Sandy and I were reading through both of Dodie Osteen’s books before her surgery and after her surgery. Dodie’s teachings have been life-changing for me and for Sandy. Dodie taught us that the Bible is God’s written word and it is full of promises for us today just as it was in Bible days. That when we see a promise that relates to us, we are to claim that promise and believe in it and trust that God will deliver on His promises. “God is not a man that he should lie, nor a son of man that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” Num. 23:19.
I can’t tell you exactly when I began to be more proactive in my prayers. I used to pray, “Lord, your will, not my will,” or, “If it be your will,” etc. Now I find myself reciting many of the promises of healing we find in the Bible, and claiming them for ourselves and believing in them. I once was terrified, now I am confident and reassured that God wants Sandy to live and He has her on a special journey to bring glory to Him.
Later, I started compiling promise after promise, many of which were given to Sandy by her friends who had put them in their blog and in e-mails or from Dodie’s books, and typing them out for us. As of today, we have five pages of them, along with special prayers and meditations. Some of our favorites are, "Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this, your promises preserve my life." Psa. 119:49,50. Also, “I want you to trust me in your times of trouble, so that I can rescue you and you can give me glory.” Psa. 50:15.
Sandy has shared with me that she prayed as a young girl that she would be used by God to "make a difference" in the world. We know that she is on God's journey. “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jer. 29:11. We know that “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can move mountains (cancer). Nothing will be impossible to you. Matt. 17:20.
While I feel that Sandy has always lived her life as a shining light to God, Satan tried to snuff out her light. Little did he know that it would soon become a beacon of light to all who know of her situation and who read her blog. God tell us "So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isa. 41:10.
The journey God has Sandy on has certainly changed my life. My own life has been very difficult these past 4 or 5 years, with my husband getting dementia/Alzheimer's and has been in and out of hospitals, rehabs and nursing homes. He is now in a board and care. At the same time, Aaron went to Iraq on April 16, his second deployment. I can only say that when I got down on my knees and begged God to let Sandy live, it brought me closer to Him, closer than I have been in a long, long time. I am now reading through the Bible in a year, again, using Dodie Osteen's guidelines in her devotional book. I have learned to trust God and know that he has a plan for Sandy's life.
Every day, I thank God for his mercy and grace and for giving us the Bible which is His word. If I didn't have God or the Bible, I honestly don't know how I would get through this. One of my favorite verses is, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have summoned you by name (Sandy), you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned. The flames will not set you ablaze, for I am the Lord your God." Isa. 43:2,3
Sandy, It was very painful to relive the moment I learned about your cancer. I was terrified and devastated. I pleaded for your life. It was a life-changing moment. However, now It is exciting for me to see what He is doing in your life and in the lives of all of us. I am so grateful to God for his loving kindness, grace and mercy.
I know you have touched many lives sharing your story with others. Your openness and willingness to share your feelings (and Jon's) is precious to all who read your postings. It is no wonder why you have so many friends and admirers. You are a caring and thoughtful friend to so many. I am so very proud of you and the woman you have become. I now know why God chose you to be His ambassador; to show others your faith and courage and trust in Him as you go through this very difficult time. To God be the glory!
Love,
Mom
P.S. If you are interested in receiving the promises my Mother has typed out for me, send me an e-mail and I will forward them to you. Also, I finally got around to getting all of my favorite songs on a CD, and I would be delighted to share them with you!
JSBoulware@msn.com
